Diane Chambers, The Total Package?

In episode 11 (“One for the Book”), the Cheers gang are joined by two out of the ordinary patrons, a World War I (yes, you read that correctly, World War One, as in Uno, as in Yes, the first one) vet whose hosting a reunion for his platoon in the back pool room and a young man who has stumbled upon the bar and is looking to drink a few beers before starting his life as a monk the following morning.

Since the veteran, or “doughboy” as the ep’s synopsis refers to him, fought in the First World War, he was born in the 19th century. Sure, this is 1982, but it needs to be noted this man is old as hell. He explains to Norm and company that his fellow soldiers hold a reunion in Boston every 10 years. Additionally, the first one to the party traditionally strips down to his under-roos (his words, not mine) in order to surprise the others. After providing the set up for the episode’s eventual gag, the doughboy retreats back to the pool room.

The monk-to-be, meanwhile, gets hammered off two beers and begins having second thoughts about joining the monastery. Realizing he needs to take life by the horns, he grabs a hold of Diane, professes his love for her and kisses her. The live studio audience laughs and applauds.

Funny, sure? But it should be noted that this unwanted advance by the young monk comes after Sam did the same thing in episode four (and tried again several other times) and just two or three episodes after Norm’s boss essentially tried raping Diane on the pool table. The latter was the result of Diane being asked by Norm to keep his boss company because the office party he held at Cheers was a dud. When Norm saw Diane fighting off his boss, he pulled him off of her and was subsequently fired. (Despite having what would appear to be a pretty solid wrongful termination suit going for him, Norm instead opts to be an unemployed accountant for a majority of the show’s run from here on out.)

Shocked and appalled, Diane gets away from the monk by walking into the pool room, where – SURPRISE! – she’s greeted by the old vet and his (presumably) old whitie tighties.

There are two pressing issues here. First what is it about the young, smart, sassy-if-not-smug, and (kinda) prudish Ms. Chambers that drives all these men absolutely gaga? Sam remarks in one episode that she’s too judgemental of everyone and says she doesn’t like anyone in another. So why are all these guys howling at the moon over her?

Second, and perhaps more importantly, why the hell do these men think they have the right to simply take Diane as if she’s some sort of prize whenever they have a few beers and get horny? (Or in the case of Mayday Malone, drink no beers and get horny…) Honestly, these guys are worst than Don Draper, Pete Campbell, and Roger Sterling when it comes to hounddogging. Hounddogging, it should be noted is different than tomcatting (perhaps that’s a separate post for another day).

Thus far I’ve seen at least half a dozen men come onto Diane, including the monk, Norm’s boss and Sam Malone himself. And since the entire first season takes place inside the bar, it's office and it's back pool room, I've gotta say, Mayday has created one hell of a hostile workplace environment.

When Diane agrees to become a waitress at the end of episode 1, she does so after realizing she has no experience or skills that would make her qualified for any jobs outside of being a grad school TA. Yet as I've worked my way through the first half off the season, it's obvious she's got something that drives every man she meets wild. I can't quite put a finger on it; nor can all these fellas forcing themselves onto her. But it seems Diane Chambers may just be the total package.

The question is, is that package too much for Mayday to handle? Time shall tell...